Mofoism's Xanga

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 17:28:46 GMT

Many eons passed. Mofoism stood on hold. The Great Anti-Mofite War broke out across the entire Mofuniverse; trillions of people dead - trillions of gallons of Dew lost.
It was a tragic time for everyone involved, yes, even you, although I'm sure that the Anti-Mofites wiped your minds clear of the entire ordeal. They probably replaced it with some ridiculous made up stuff like Britney Spears shaving her head or Paris Hilton drunk driving. We all know none of that would ever happen, so break free of the lies, and see the truth!
The reign of Anti-Mofitism shall be difficult... Now that the Dew supply is being secretly regulated by the evil Anti-Mofite President, a crazy psychopath named Douglas Daft, CEO of the Coca Cola company, and person responsible for the sell of Mello Yello.

Well, clearly something had to be done! I contemplated for several thousands years.... Or a few seconds, I'm not really sure, actually...

And finally I knew what had to be done... Of course once, many centuries ago, I broke free of the bonds of mortality in order to become Mr. Mofo, the amazing superhero of Mofoism, so that I could save the Moforld from certain doom. But I knew that Mr. Mofo wasn't powerful enough... No, not for a task as grave as this. If I wanted to succeed, I would have to mutate into a Mofonster so powerful that babies begin to cry after being born. In retrospect, I've become so powerful that babies began crying when being born at the beginning of time, which should speak volumes of the immense power bestown upon myself...
Captain America has nothing on me... For I have become Super Mofo America!!!!! Of course a random frog sits upon my shoulder, ready to do my bidding, and green from extreme Dew consumption.

I began searching for enemies to destroy, for naturally that's the first thing any good Super Awesomely Amazing Mofo would do... So I went on a 15 day excursion through the tropical rainforests of central Africa, only to find myself back in my room... Where I was suddenly attacked by Yoda!?!?!?!
I whipped out my Antenna Weapon of Death, and prepared to do battle...

The battle was quick, but fierce. Neither hero gave any ground to the other. It was a stand still. A draw.
I knew that if I wanted to defeat Yoda, I would have to study up on his philosophy, so I headed down to the local Walmart to pick up the Original Trilogy on DVD, paying, of course, with a 60 day World of Warcraft game card, which is not only just as good as money, but better! Of course I couldn't resist buying some Dew while I was there...

After intense studying of approximately 14 minutes, I returned to my own room, which is actually where I did the studying to begin with, and prepared to battle once again. little did I know that Yoda had cloned himself three times!!!!!!1111oneoneoneone

Of course, in the end, I pwned all four Yodas. I mean if a level 70 with Tier 5 gear decides to grind in Ashenvale, it's not going to matter if he's fighting 4 mobs at a time, he'll pwn them all very quickly. I was very tired, though, and I needed to rest. I didn't get much of a chance, unfortunately, for suddenly a leaping tiny ninja came flying at me!!!

I pwn-blocked him, of course, reminding him that I myself held a second degree black belt in TaeKwonDo.

Well, it wasn't long after that when Al Gore approached me. I walked with my eyes down, hoping to avoid being noticed, but alas! I was too late. Al Gore came up to me, telling me that my Dew consumption was increasing the global warming rate by .000000000000001 percent every thousand years, and that I had to do stop drinking so much Dew. I glanced into his shopping cart, which is not pictured here, and noticed that he had bought a large quantity of Dew himself. I commended him on being a Dew drinker, but he would not take no for an answer, so I was forced to throw an Uber-Punch!

I decided that I had done enough heroic (Or maybe not heroic?!) deeds for the day, so I flipped my wrist around, and began shredding on my watch...

...And on my shirt...

And obviously on my guitars...

Then I was finally finished... At least for today, anyway. I decided that it was time to level up on WoW... But I would forever go down in History as Super Mofo America, who is, of course, supported by Stephen Colbert.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Wed, 07 Jun 2006 23:59:12 GMT

Okay, I will start a new tradtion, and once every random set of days (AKA whenever I dang want to) I will choose a topic to make really stupid jokes over, because I want to....

I just saw an ad for Reese's Pieces, so I'll just do that, why not.

Okay... Reese's Pieces... How stupid can I get? Time to find out.

What did the horoscope expert give his girlfriend for valentines day?

A pack of Reese's Pisces.

What type of candy does Circuit City sell?

Reese's PCs.

What kind of candy do you find in the bathroom?

Reese's Pisses.

What did the really cool people give to Trey every day?

Reese's lots of hundred dollar bills.

Now that I suck, I need to go play a guitar.

Monday, May 29, 2006

Mon, 29 May 2006 18:04:24 GMT

You must all now contemplate the Mofreatness of Barry Bonds.

That is all.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Sat, 27 May 2006 18:01:29 GMT

It was discovered by Mofaster Senon recently that a grave Mofin has been committed. An atrocity so great that it brings doom and dispair to the hearts of all Mofoists. faction of Mofoists have broken away from the true way... Their taste buds have been burned to such a degree that they stupidly think that Mello Yello is better than Mountain Dew. This is the MOFULTIMATE MOFIN OF ALL MOFIME, and they must pay for such an appalling crime.
First of all, we must hunt these rogue Mofoists, or Mofasists (Not to be confused with the Mofascists, who are bad, but very awesome compared to the scum of Mello Yello drinkers!) but in order to do that, we must be able to recognize them in a crowd of normal Mofoists... Can you spot the Mofasists in the following pictures?

Once you have become skilled at identifying and locating evil Mofasists, you must then learn how to properly beat the Mofit out of them! To do this, I have brought fellow Mofoist and friend Wolverine, in honor of X3, which is indeed a Mofoistic Mofovie, to demonsrate several techniques that you may use to destroy Mofasists.

First of all, you must retract your claws...

Then, you must prepare to stab.

Finally, you must SLAP the Mofasist in the FACE by stabbing through it!!

If you are unable to retract your claws, you may also plant a nuclear bomb within their body and detonate is while they drink the shameful Mello Yello.

This is a very pressing matter that we must take care of quickly, or the Mofasists will join forces with the Anti-Mofoists, and destroy all Mofiety as we know it. In other recent news, it has been confirmed that Babe Ruth is in fact a Mofasist, so Mofoism's Mighty Barry Bonds must now pass him Sunday, for no Mofoistic player may be outdone by a Mofasist!

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Sat, 04 Mar 2006 03:22:41 GMT

Mofoism...
It was one year ago today that the illustrious religion of Mofoism skipped into an era of internet perfection. One full year of sexy memories and learning experiences have passed, but ten trillion similar years lay ahead waiting. But many do not understand the hardships which Mofasters have to endure in order to uphold Mofoism's high standards in their lives, and likewise, many do not understand how the amazing story of Mofoism began. It is now time to learn.
Mofoism began in the hearts of the Mofasters Senon y Trey late in the year of 2004. We both began to experience amazing and divine visions which showed us the true way, and we personally partook of the glorious Mountain Dew, which gave us our strength. It was several short weeks after this that I, Mofaster Trey, gave an important speech informing potential Mofoists of how awesome and massive Mofoism really was... One photograph of this monumentous event has survived, and the rest of been destroyed by jealous anti-Mofites...

It was not long after that event that Mofoism transferred itself to the internet, where it could reach the less fortunate beings of the entire universe. It was the vision of the Mofasters that Mofoism spread across the galaxy, enveloping all beings towards its mind control. And by mind control we mean happy paradise. But in order to spread such amazing sexiness, I have had to personally endure many hardships, including but not limited to: Meeting many famous celebrities, getting many free gifts and Mountain Dew, flying across the world in private jets, dictating over entire solar systems, being followed by a large harem of sexy women, winning countless Major League Baseball MVP's... Oh wait, that was Barry Bonds. I will divulge to you a few of the horrifying moments I have gone through in the past year...

Who could ever forget the time I spent kicking it with C-3PO, a protocol droid fluent in over six million forms of communication. Needless to say, he talked a lot, and my ears nearly exploded.

Or what about the time I spent with my friend and fellow Mofoist, Barry Bonds? It is very ahrd to stand in the presence of such a mighty force, and I was very hard-pressed to remain alive.

Another harrowing experience was the death-defying Quarterback Challenge where I went head to head with Michael Vick! His passes astonished me to the point of a heart attack, but luckily I drank some Dew and was alright.

And the darkest hour of my life... The day I had to become fashionable with a very cute hat. Ashley Olsen and Alyson Michalka then proceeded to dress me in things so horrifying that I can't even think of them, let alone take pictures and post them!

And of course, throughout the year, many vital life lessons have been imposed upon my Mofoul, and I have had to relay them in a convectious way which would please all. In this Moforld, this is difficult to do, but I have spent millions of seconds to insure that you receive your Moflessons, Moflessons that save your life every day, even if you do not realize it.

And I will leave you with one final message... A message by which you should model your life...

Do...

The...

Lag Gnats: An M! True Mofoism Story

Wed, 01 Mar 2006 03:35:19 GMT

Gather around, my fellow Mofoists, and let me tell you a grand tale full of amazing adventure, and a perilous experiment gone terribly wrong.....

It was the year 2002. I had not yet learned of the glorious Mofowers of Mofoism, but I was, however, searching for other powers, exploring the vast worlds of many different forms of magic, and trickery. I spent years trying to devise the perfect strategy by which I could take over the world... And one day, I stumbled across an amazing discovery!! I learned that by feeding several million gallons of Mountain Dew to common gnats, they would grow into superpowerful Lag Gnats, terrifying creatures who could flutter about the internet and lag people's internet connections, minions whom AOL has obviously been employing ever since its inception...

...

I unleashed the Lag Gnats upon the world, slowing everybody's connections down, and bending everyone to my will! Everything was going sexy, until one day, several Lag Gnats broke away, and ran off into the wild, becoming Rogue Gnats.

The Rogue Gnats began to terrorize the innocent bystanders of the internet. Nobody was safe! They lagged 12 year old children posing as sexy 27 year old adults, and they lagged 57 year old pedophiles posing as sexy 13 year old children. The entire universe began to panic, and I knew that something had to be done...

So I took council with my most loyal and trusted Lag Gnat, Prince Gnatalish. Together, we devised the perfect plan by which to control the eeevil Rogue Lag Gnats. Prince Gnatalish lagged everyone's minds, to a speed so slow that everybody forgot the recent Rogue Lag Gnat terrorism, which is why you are now relearning this for the very first time, from me, while I offered the Rogue Gnats 134 quadrillion gallons of Mountain Dew every day in return for them limiting their terrorism to terrorists. And everyone was happy. Happy, that is... Until...

Late in the hot month of February, 2006, The Rogue Lag Gnats raided and invaded a Mountain Dew brewing facility, slipping under cover while everyone had Mardi gras in New Orleans. They no longer needed my Dew support to triumph, so they set out with a vengeance, to destroy the Mofaster...

A huge swarm of Rogue Lag Gnats swarmed about my head furiously, trying to lag me out of my mind!!!! I was forced to Mofheadbang them away.

But these Rogue Lag Gnats were persistant, and an eeeevil Rogue Lag Gnat, known as Gnatabiotchkunter, took in his mofand a pair of Mofissors, and cut my Mofair!!!

I was ashamed. Without my Mofair, I lost all of my Mofowers, and I was forced to place upon my head my secondary Mofowboy hat, for my Primary Mofowboy hat was in a faraway land known as Mofownstairs, a journey which was much too far to consider travelling. So I stood there, allowing the desire for Mountain Dew to grow, swelling within my Mofoul, and bursting from within.

Then, with the eeeeevil Gnatabiotchkunter looking on, a glorious Mountain Dew appeared into my hands, and I drank it, regrowing my hair, and regaining my Mofowers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was then able to drive away the Rogue Lag Gnats. But now they are truely rogue, and are very dangerous. I ahve devised a step by step method for all faithful Mofoists to avoid being lagged out of their minds by a Rogue Lag Gnat...

1. You must buy a Guitar Moflamp.

2. You must turn your Guitar Moflamp on.

3. You must pour Mountain Dew all over your Guitar Moflamp. (Be sure to be touching it, too!)

4. Repeat as needed.

Merry Mofalentines Day

Wed, 15 Feb 2006 03:26:31 GMT

Today is a day in which many Anti-Mofites participate in a pagan ritual known as "Valentines Day".

Mofoists, of course, have nothing to do with this day... We celebrate a much more refined and sophisticated Mofoliday known as Mofalentines Day, and today, I had a grand Mofadventure.

As recently discussed, the word MERRY may NEVER be uttered in reference to Christmas again, but the Frist Mofendment of the Mofonstitution now states that MERRY may be used in conjuction with other Mofolidays....

But on to the Mofadventure!!!

I was searching for my beautiful Mofalentine, the alluring and pulchritudinous Brittny Gastineau, when I was shocked to find out that she had become lsot in the Mofoods!!!! I rushed through the Mofoods, not to be confused with Mofood, which is consumed, but Mofoods, which tower over wild Mofrizzly bears in the Moforrests, searching frantically for my beloved and venerated nonpareil, when I came across Mofupid!!!! (Not to be confused with the Mofadjective Mofupid, a derogatory moferm.)

Mofupid and I frollicked through the Mofoods for hours, passing a hideous beast known as Clay Aiken....

And a ferocious Mofight!

And alas! Eventually Mofupid and I met up with Brittny, and we lived happily ever after.

MERRY Mofalentines Day!!!

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Tue, 10 Jan 2006 00:10:31 GMT

I was once told by a loyal Mofoist who is known merely as "TDK" that a guide to Mofoism would be a very helpful book to publish and market throughout the Moforld... I struggled over this for many years, debating as to decide on a format in which to print this book....

At first I thought that a Mofoism for Mofoist book was in line...

And then the idea of an entire series came to life!!!

But in the end I decided that perhaps I should casually make a Mofoist's Guide to the Galaxy movie that all could see and hear.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Tue, 27 Dec 2005 03:20:28 GMT

I know many Mofoists were expecting a Christmas update... But in the Moforld of Mofoism, Christmas comes on December the 26th to keep things extra special, so everyone who celebrated Christmas on December 25th sucks..

I was recently pissed off at a certain custom which has seemingly become a standard in the world today. Why is it we only use the word "Merry" as a precedant of "Christmas"? (This doesn't include Lord of the Rings, Mofos.). Why is it everything else is "Happy", but Christmas gets "Merry"? I don't hear any Merry Birthday songs, or Merry New Year's day shouts at midnight. So I wondered.... Shouldn't other hollidays get to be Merry too!?!?

But I realized that people would not accept this as a universal Awesomeness, and I was very devestated... And suddenly a huge angry feeling of wrath came from me, focusing itself upon the word "Merry". And suddenly I knew that "Merry" must NEVER be uttered again in the Moforld of Mofoism!!! Later that day, while having a deep conversation with Santa Claus, I kindly expressed my viewpoint from a non-biased point of view.

And from this day forward.... The word "Merry" shall forever be stricken from the language of Mofenglish.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Mon, 12 Dec 2005 03:57:20 GMT

In light of the time of year being so near to Christmas, the Moforld of Mofoism is in a generous and Mofawesome mood. Today will mark a historical Mofoistic change of epic porportions. Today, the Mofasters shall double from the Two, Senón y Trey, to the Four Mofasters, not to be confused with the Four Horsemen, which is a very good song from Metallica's first album, Kill 'em All.

The first newly appointed Mofaster is the late great, Darrell Dimebag. Yes, it is understood that he is no longer with us, but fortunately he was a devout Mofoist before he died, and his spirit is able to jam out with Senón y Trey with his Massive skillz. Darrell Dimebag has valuable Mofoistic Mofinsight that must ne used to further the Mofawesomeness of Mofoism, and with great joy, we perform the Mofoistic ceremony which transforms Darrell Dimebag to a true Mofaster....

The next Mofromotion is a special friend and former Moflassmate of Mofasters Senón y Trey, and is the one with the glorious idea of promoting Mofaster Darrell Dimebag to Mofaster status. His ideas and Mofoisticexpealidocious Mofowers will aid us in our quest to rid the world of the eeeevil Anti-Mofites and to spread Mofoism to all cylindars of the universe... I give to you, Mofaster Juan Pablo!

Now I ask that you meditate upon this for 57 hours so that you will be able to comprehend how awesome Trey, Senon, Darrell Dimebag, and Juan Pablo are, for we are now the Four Mofasters.